Written By: Kerrington Sweeney
Where do I even begin my friends? It has been quiet some time since I have just sat and waited on the Lord and wrote my thoughts down. So here I am today. NO-editing. This is it. 5-10 minutes of straight writing and like I mentioned above 0% editing will be done to this piece.
For a moment, I would like to be real with you all. For the past little while, I have been emotionally very unsettled. Not just hormonally….because we all know that happens. #LadiesDays but, unsettled spiritually too.
I have had a few days where I am just wandering in the wilderness, so to say. A few days of anxiousness, fear, anger, and very uncollected thoughts. Days of desperate cravings for something of stablilty to settle the many extra “things” raging inside me.
Although, I like to seem like I have it all together all the time. I don’t. “Type A personality, people-pleasing, super woman who can do all and be all everywhere and never say NO”, that is me in a transparent nutshell.
I do not have it all together and I beat myself up continuously about it. I call myself a failure. I look at my many flaws, before I look at the body I am blessed with. I look at the accomplishments of others and I degrade myself. I look at others success and I create unattainable goals. I am sick health-wise…and yes, I sure do like hiding it. Because it “looks” better. I feel terribly sick most everyday but, not many would really know it.
Struggle after struggle seems to be surfacing in this season of my life.
These struggles have lead to moments where I have questioned God’s will, and questioned His plans completely.
“God, why don’t I feel content?” “Why do I always need new, change, and excitement…why cant I be founded in you and that just be enough?” “Why am I feeling so unsettled?” “Why cant I have it all together…I am serving you and I feel like I am in your perfect will…Why GOD??”
To be frank, these were the prayers….I mean statements, that had in my waring chat with God this morning.
I live a life with high stress. I am feeling hurt…for no apparent reason. I am angry because of our world and the evil things that its about. I am anxious about future endeavours and yes, I’ll say it again….I don’t have it “all together” and that frustrates me to the core of my being.
I call myself failure, instead of treasured daughter.
I call myself fat, instead of beautiful.
I set unattainable goals that can’t be met.
I make promises and sometimes don’t keep them.
I expect more from myself than anyone else.
I can never say No.
I am a hot-mess express.
I am a work in progress. In a testimony building part of my journey.
Although, in the past 10 minutes of writing this I have not found the peace that I desire…I cling to this: “Come to me all who are weary and are burdened and I will give you rest.” -Matthew 11:28
Thank you for allowing me to ramble in my moments of transparency.
Until Next Time,