Written By: Kerrington Sweeney
Little did I realize dear readers, that my Happily Ever After was already burning in flames as I carried filthy bondage. I was still clenching on to my hurts, my grudges and my past regrets. In fear of truly letting them go. …
I so wanted this to be it. I wanted to be in a relationship. I was done waiting. I was tired of answering “No”, to the question: “Do you have a boyfriend yet?” Many sleepless nights waiting up and thinking about what I could have, maybe done differently to make those guys in the past truly “Love me.” Why was I desperately willing to change ‘me’ so that maybe, they would have later on loved me?
I still vividly remember the day, I let everything go. It was a rainy mid-September Weekend…My girl-friends and I packed up and headed out on a camping trip to a Provincial Park where we would spend the next 3 days together in fellowship. I went going into this trip, knowing that there would be tons of talk of boyfriends and lovey dovey-ness. Because most of them were either dating and one of them was married. I knew it was going to be a hard weekend for me, but at least I got to spend time with some of my very best friends.
It was 2:56am on the Sunday Morning. Today was the day to let go. My friends and I had been up chatting the hours away. Discussing boy-friends, husbands, our futures, our weddings, and so on. Don’t get me wrong, I love talking about that kind of stuff, but just it was brutally painful reminders of something I so desperately wanted and didn’t have.
As the night went on, I briefly mentioned to my group of ladies that it had been an emotionally rough month for me. I vulnerably shared with them, that this all had begun to be a distraction to me in my relationship with Jesus. I shared how I was struggling to read my Bible, and truly be happy again when my heart was so filled with sorrow and hurt.
Then right then in there, my sweet friend said these words: “Girl!! It’s time, to let this all go and to move on with your life. It’s time to move forward. You are stronger than all of this, I know you…Are you ready?” In those moments. I knew she was absolutely right, but I didn’t really want to listen. I was still holding on to my hopes of a ‘Happily Ever After.’
I wrote down somethings that were hurting my life, things that I couldn’t let go of, in big-bold lettering, on the closest thing to paper that I could find, while camping…(Yay for paper towel!) After that, I grabbed the lighter and I quickly exited the camper we were staying in. Walked over to our campsites fire-pit with complete confidence. I lit that paper towel, corner to corner. I dropped it into that fire pit with hopes that this would be my last heart ache. My last time of sleepless nights of worrying about my future. My last time trying to ‘fix’ myself just for a guy’s attention. My last time of saying “Well, maybe next time.” As I was watching that paper towel catch fire.
My heart began to ache. Memories flooded my mind. There was, what I just couldn’t let go of, going up in flames right in front of me. A sense of closure was beginning to take place of that chapter in my life.
Isaiah 43:18-19 says… “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
Although, I had been wandering around in the spiritual ‘wilderness.’ God still always had a plan for my life. He carefully held and guarded my fragile heart through it all. He was my comforter when I felt all alone. He was my lead when I was lost and wandering. He was and is my forever love, my saviour, my King.
Dear Readers, When you look to your left and to your right and you feel no one is there for you in those dark valleys of your life…I challenge you to instead, look up. Because the creator of the universe is doing mighty work in your life and in your heart. You may not understand it. I, for sure didn’t… I questioned God endlessly, time after time: “Why would you put me through this?” I am further reminded of the song lyrics from the song
‘Oceans’ from Hillsong United:
“You call me out upon the waters The great unknown where feet may fail. And there I find You in the mystery In oceans deep. My faith will stand. And I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace. For I am Yours and You are mine. Your grace abounds in deepest waters, Your sovereign hand will be my guide. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me. You’ve never failed and You won’t start now.”
We never truly know what God’s will consist of. Like I have said before, God’s will is sometimes the scariest, unknown place we ever will walk into. But, we need to TRUST Him. Let the filthy bondage go. Release the clench of your hurts, your grudges, your past regrets and your fears. Let go. Let God.
Until Next Time,