Written By: Beverley Deguire
The snow was falling as the car drove along the highway. As the car entered into its lane the driver didn’t see the patch of black
ice up ahead. And the car spun and slipped on the ice turning into the oncoming traffic on the highway… bright lights headed toward the passenger side and then …. I woke up in the ICU. That was January 31 2009.
I still can’t remember it to this day … but apparently the car was t-boned on the passenger door by an oncoming car and I was crushed between the console and the dashboard. The next thing I remember was being in the ICU, my parents, brother and aunt around my bed and nurses and doctors coming in and out.
Laying there I said to my parents that I wasn’t scared … if this was the time for me to die, then I would be with God. My faith was rooted in the promise of so much more and that God was with me. I really wasn’t afraid to die … but my time here on earth wasn’t finished.
The tally of injuries was extensive, I couldn’t walk, I could barely breathe and I lived in the hospital for 6 weeks and during that time all I could do was hold on to the promise that God was with me.
I got frustrated with myself, I was angry at the situation, discouraged from the pain, I often wondered if it was worth it, struggling to stay alive, fighting the pain. I felt completely broken and insignificant.
In one instant my life as I’d known it had changed. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right and there was nothing I could do to change what had happened. It was a miracle that I was alive… but the journey ahead was going to be a long one.
In those moments God and I had some pretty big talks … tears, frustrations, struggling with why, with physical pain, From learning how to walk again to bringing movement and mobility back to almost all of my body, to breathing issues … the accident had left me changed.
I came to understand that You can’t always choose your circumstance but you can choose how you will respond to it.
I had a choice to make … How was I going to deal with this? With the pain, with the brokenness with the change in me, who I was had been greatly impacted. My life had changed. What followed were years of painful processing … physical, mental and emotional. I loss my life as I had known it, I lost my job and I’d felt like I’d lost myself. I felt completely broken and worthless and couldn’t even recognize myself.
I struggled with my identity … who am I.
Am I what I do? Am I what I achieved? Am I the things I’ve done right or am I defined by the things I’ve done wrong? Does God really love me? Why would he let this happen?
My identity and self-worth had been shaken to the core … but somewhere in the midst of it all … I knew God loved me … as broken as I was … as shattered as I felt … God LOVES ME!
And I learned a lesson: How I identify myself determines How I approach life.
If I am what I do – I will always need to achieve more to find my value. If I am what other’s say I am – I will always try to please people instead of my heavenly father. But when I listen to who God says I am and embrace His identity in me – I find the freedom, the strength and the courage to live out all He has in store for me.
God shaped something in me that I couldn’t see, and He used the mess I was in for His Glory! All I had to do was choose to allow Him into my situation. Let go and Let God … do his completing work in my heart and life. I was able to respond to my circumstances with the understanding that I was weak and broken, but that God can still use me in my brokenness.
I love the quote “Broken crayons can still colour” because it reminds me that there are still things I can do and 2 Corinthians 12:9 reminds me of the source of strength and power found only in Jesus “And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.’”
I have come to understand that God can use me in my brokenness … because in his strength I can do more, and the brokenness in my life lets His light and power shine through.
As I reflect over the last 9 years, this journey hasn’t been easy, but it has been worth it.
Until Next Time,