Written By: Kerrington Sweeney
It was a chilly autumn weekend, where many students gathered together to enter into the presence of God and to learn more about His Word. That weekend, a year ago, I had no clue that this all would have taken place and that I would be sitting here writing this today, and that this was a part of God’s will for my life. That weekend, I didn’t officially ever meet him face to face but, I saw ‘him’ from afar…
Have you ever had one of those moments where you felt that God’s will was unknown in your life? God’s will sometimes is a scary unknown place with steps that will stretch you or shake you to your very core. God’s will definitely shapes you into the person He has called you to be. Recently, I had an “experience” with the unknown of God’s will. Oh, dear readers, let me introduce you to the boy I loved and never met…buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
How did I find myself having a crush on a boy whom I had never even met before, face to face? And No. I know exactly what you’re thinking…he wasn’t a pop boy singer from One Direction or a powerful hero in one of the newest action movies. Although, in my eyes he was my hero, my knight in shining armor, one of my very best-friends. My one true love. How did I find myself having a crush on a boy who at the time, lived in an entirely different province than me? How did I find myself awaiting ever so anxiously by my cell phone, for a text response back? How did I find myself depending all my emotions on him?
I still remember those 9 months of getting to know him through many late night texting conversations. I vividly remember lying in bed awake one night because I was just so happy. Why would I want to sleep when the reality of life was better than any of my dreams?
How did I find myself thinking about him every waking moment of every single day for those magical months of my life? The hundreds of texts sent back and forth between us daily almost felt like he was always there with me. When I felt lonely, or out of place, or had literally no one to talk to, even in a crowd…he was there. He was just a tap of a button away. He was right at my fingertips.
How did I find myself letting just ‘words’ in texting conversations take control over my life? How did I find myself already being loyal to this young Christian boy behind that cell phone screen? Maybe it was in hopes that if I was being loyal to him, he would do the same for me. Maybe it’s because I thought my ‘Season of Waiting’ had come to an end and my ‘Happily Ever After’ had begun? When all of my girlfriends would show off pictures of their handsome ‘boys’ and share sweet stories about them, I began to jump in and share what I thought at the time, was the beginning of my beautifully God-written love story. I was thrilled beyond words to do so. I waited so long to be able to ‘show’ someone off in a sense.
How did I find myself in the early spring, sick in a hospital bed with texting him as my only form of comfort? Even just the texts from him saying “I am praying for you, you’ll get through this” became such a sense of protection for me. How did I find myself opening up the very depths of my heart and soul to a boy I had never even met? Sharing my thoughts on the future, my hopes, my passions, and my dreams. Maybe it’s because he gave me dozens of reasons to trust him.
How did I find myself slowly falling in love with this boy that I had never even met?
After about 8.5 months, “Boy” moved the great distance from the province he was living in, all the way to the province I was living in, for his pursuit of post-secondary education in my local city’s college. The time of waiting had now come to a conclusion and it was time for me to finally meet this sweet boy I knew so much about, face to face.
I dolled myself up to the very best of my ability. I felt like Esther for that 2 hours before meeting him; getting ready and preparing myself in every aspect to meet my ‘King.’ We packed up into my best-friend’s Jeep and set off across the county to a couple towns over where the event that we both were attending was. With my sister and her friend in tow in the backseat, we were all off to have an enjoyable night. I remember that car ride there like it was just yesterday. Butterflies and knots filled my anxious tummy, as we drove through the many beautiful county back roads.
We arrived to the event perfectly on time. Thankfully he wasn’t there yet, so I still had some time to prepare myself so to say. “Boy” arrived a little bit late to the event. This is where I thought, “I am going to be meeting the boy I am going to one day marry”. “This is a special day” I thought, “that will be forever etched into my happy memory bank for years to come”. My back was faced towards the parking lot. He got out of his car. I heard the car door shut. I looked at my best-friend who was facing the parking lot. With a quick glance of confirmation from her eyes to mine, that he had just exited his car; I turned around ever so slightly.
I saw him. (Insert many singing Angel’s voices) My heart skipped a few beats. There HE was. Not just words behind a cell phone screen. Not just photos on Instagram. He was real. He was literally 50 feet away from me and walking towards the crowd of people, I was standing in. With tear filled eyes, “He’s finally here” I thought. I had dreamed of these precious first moments of meeting him for months upon months, thinking of the many different ways our love story could unfold and begin to take place.
Very long sad story made short…
That night did not turn out anything like I had ever hoped for or dreamed of. That night, we avoided each other completely. We didn’t even acknowledge each other’s existence as human beings. I was terrified to make the ‘first move’ and he was just too shy to even say “Hello”. What I thought was turning into the beginning of my “Happily Ever After”, all came crashing down at my feet. I was shaken to my core.
Since that horrible night, we have never spoken again. And like the title of this post already revealed to you, dear readers. Yes! That’s right, you read that correctly. We never did actually meet face to face and I don’t think we ever will. After this situation had happened, I just couldn’t get rid of feelings of being buried in what felt like filthy baggage. I was trying to move on and live a full happy life but, I just couldn’t with this terribly broken heart. I couldn’t go on. I was clenching on to my hurts, my grudges and my past regrets, in fear of truly letting them go.
Until one day, God revealed to me once again, that I didn’t need to hold on to that filthy baggage anymore. It was not His portion or His plan for my life. So, I let it go, like a drop in a bucket. I surrendered myself silently to my Savior. I began surrounding myself with women of the faith, who encouraged me to walk through that difficult season with a genuine smile on my face. Women who equipped me with power to overcome those tests and trials of my faith, and to come out on the other side of this difficult season, running with strength and endurance into the next season God had ordained for my life’s journey. I was a free young woman, saved by grace and even more in love with her Savior than ever.
Ezekiel 36:26 says…”I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
Now when the painful memories arise in my heart of that boy…I will simply always remember him as, the boy I loved and never met…and I am okay with that, because I can stand and live knowing that God the Creator of all the universe, has incredible plans for ME. And He does for you too! Trust Him! Live in line with His word and He will give you the desires of your heart. Bless you!
Until Next Time,