Written by: Brooklyn White
It is time to finally put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard?) and write about what hurts. It is time to tell my story for what it is and to not be scared, ashamed, or guilty. I have written my story so many times before, but it was never complete. Bits and pieces were left out to accommodate the human eye. I was scared of letting the outside world see the real me, so I either sugarcoated it or just simply didn’t tell the parts that truly mattered.
Because the truth is…
I had a boy who broke my heart.
I had a best friend with cancer.
I had a friend get into a car accident on my birthday.
I had a lifelong friend who just up and left.
I had an anxiety disorder.
I had a ‘friend’ who blamed my anxiety disorder for the ending of our friendship.
I had a really hard time at university this year.
I had a heart full of pain.
I had to leave a toxic youth group.
I had rumours spread about me.
I had to establish new boundaries with people.
I had a fear of going into public in case I ran into the people who caused me pain.
I had an old friend run away from me in a mall trying to avoid me.
I had a bitter heart.
I had an inability to be brave out of fear.
I had to discover my purpose and calling.
I had run away from God entirely.
I had neglected to take care of myself.
I had been overcome with sadness and confusion.
I had felt this overwhelming feeling of being “The Outsider.”
I had never been one to fit in.
I had a fear of not being good enough.
I had a horrible experience in high school.
I had parents who got a divorce when I was young.
I had too many fatal friendships that resulted in my self-destruction.
I had struggled with controlling my tongue, and often swore.
I had attempted to fit in and be just like the others, but it never worked.
I had a difficult relationship with my father (which has since gotten better).
I had never been one to be invited to things or places.
I had no friends who I could call family.
I had to end an emotionally abusive friendship and hysterically cried while doing it.
I had to pretend to be happy, so people couldn’t discover the pain underneath.
I had to look death in the face, through family members and friends.
I had an overwhelming sense of frustration and confusion.
I had become accustomed to pain and heartache.
I had people who I thought would always be in my life, just up and leave.
I had cried uncontrollably in the shower over words that were spoken to me.
I had to avoid going to youth group for months out of fear.
I had never known what it meant to have a “church family.”
I had to become someone who I wasn’t, to please those around me.
I had continued to question God’s purpose and plan for my life.
I had been the master of disguising sadness as happiness.
I had no hope.
I had no peace.
I had conflict at every turn.
I had a life etched with painful circumstances and situations.
I had to rediscover myself by looking at the past and acknowledging it for what it was.
But most importantly,
I had, and still have, a God who took the shattered pieces of who I was, who I wasn’t, and who He called me to be, and molded me into the person I am now. THE PAST DOES NOT DEFINE ME. And it never will.
However, it has played a huge part in shaping me into the person I am today. The thing is though – I let the past make me feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. I was the one who would constantly search for old friends on social media, and what I found always stung my heart. I knew it would be painful. I knew that if I looked up their name I would see things that would make me cry. And yet, I did it anyways.
I was the one who would lose countless hours of sleep at night replaying what happened, and going over the words that were spoken to me. I was the one who would wake up in the middle of the night with a wet pillowcase because nightmares had made me cry. I was the one who feared the public, and often missed out on amazing experiences due to fear.
I was the one that was full of anxiety, to the point that when anxiety attacks would hit, my body would shake uncontrollably and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop my mind from thinking about the bad. The pain consumed me.
But I was also the one who chose to end friendships that were bad for me. I chose to pursue God’s heart again. I chose to attempt healing. I prayed and I prayed. I worshipped God in the darkest moments, and continued to seek after His wisdom. From this pain, came irreplaceable life lessons. Heartache resulted in purpose. Confusion resulted in commitment to God. And overall, I slowly healed.
I still struggle every day. I struggle with school, friendships, and finding my purpose. I am learning that part of living this life means learning from your struggles, and pursuing your dreams even when people tell you not to. It is about overcoming conflicts, and becoming stronger as a result.
Ultimately, life is about pursuing God’s heart and trusting in Him and His plan for your life. I now appreciate talks with friends, coffee dates, and staying up till all hours of the night during sleepovers. I find meaning in the small things, like a good cup of tea, cupcakes, and reading a book before bed. I am passionate about people and am learning to love unconditionally and encourage fearlessly.
I am slowly becoming who I was always meant to be. My story was in no way easy to tell, and I would be lying if I didn’t say that pressing the publish button was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Being honest with myself wasn’t easy, but I have NO reason to be ashamed of my past. I have no reason to feel guilt. I have a story, and I should tell it because somebody out there may need to hear it.
I encourage you to do the same.
All my love,
About Brooklyn White:
Reader, Writer & Tea Drinker | Daughter of the King | Fearless Encourager | Hebrews 6:19 | 18
There is nothing in this universe that I need more than Jesus Christ. My soul finds rest in Him alone. I am learning to hold myself to a standard of grace and not perfection. The trials I have faced and continue to face are continuously shaping me into the person God is calling me to be. I am a woman boldly pursuing God’s heart above all else.
Hebrews 6:19 is my favourite verse which says, “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, sure and steadfast.” I am reminded that His name will be the hope for all the world. This life is certainly not easy, and the reality is that not everyone has it all together. But the good news is that there is a God who will never leave our side during the storms of life, and as long as you stay Anchored to Him, you have nothing to fear. Work Hard. Stay Sweet. Trust God. Love Deep. Pursue Dreams. Live Fearlessly. Encourage Others.